For the past 2 weeks I have spent some time each day researching grad schools and other possible post-undergraduate routes and compiling them into a list. I did this in an effort to give myself a more organized way to look at things and decide what looks best.
Now the list has grown quite long and I see no order anymore, only numbers and letters that don't make much sense. When I look at this spreadsheet I feel like a general planning out various assault plans and comparing them. But those who know me also know I haven't the first quality of a general, still trapped as I am in my impetuous youth.
In February I applied for a summer fellowship. Today I was rejected. To be completely honest, the rejection didn't come as a surprise given the liberal nature of the project and the conservative nature of the fellowship board. What did surprise me though was the fact that there wasn't even the littlest measure of sadness after I received this news - no, what I felt was almost a relief. My summer is already plenty full with a program in Paris, re-entry into the United States and the reverse culture shock that will bring, and resuming my life.
I don't know why but I've always had the tendency to overload my plate and to constantly juggle multiple projects. I think a great deal of this is just an effort to keep myself busy and moving forward, almost as if without this I would be unable or unwilling to continue. My efforts to map out grad schools is just an extension of this.
But today's rejection letter triggered something in me. I've since gone into my spreadsheet and deleted it and, like when I read that letter, there passed no great sadness. There's almost a feeling now that I've freed myself from something or at least a simple joy in knowing that I've accepted that I have no plans and no answers. What remains is something I've forgotten existed inside me, excitement.
Tomorrow I will begin again anew and this time the list won't be long, just 5 choices. Those will be all and those will stand and I'll change them as I see fit. And the rest, the rest I'll leave up to faith and fate - both of which it's time I stopped worrying about.
Now the list has grown quite long and I see no order anymore, only numbers and letters that don't make much sense. When I look at this spreadsheet I feel like a general planning out various assault plans and comparing them. But those who know me also know I haven't the first quality of a general, still trapped as I am in my impetuous youth.
In February I applied for a summer fellowship. Today I was rejected. To be completely honest, the rejection didn't come as a surprise given the liberal nature of the project and the conservative nature of the fellowship board. What did surprise me though was the fact that there wasn't even the littlest measure of sadness after I received this news - no, what I felt was almost a relief. My summer is already plenty full with a program in Paris, re-entry into the United States and the reverse culture shock that will bring, and resuming my life.
I don't know why but I've always had the tendency to overload my plate and to constantly juggle multiple projects. I think a great deal of this is just an effort to keep myself busy and moving forward, almost as if without this I would be unable or unwilling to continue. My efforts to map out grad schools is just an extension of this.
But today's rejection letter triggered something in me. I've since gone into my spreadsheet and deleted it and, like when I read that letter, there passed no great sadness. There's almost a feeling now that I've freed myself from something or at least a simple joy in knowing that I've accepted that I have no plans and no answers. What remains is something I've forgotten existed inside me, excitement.
Tomorrow I will begin again anew and this time the list won't be long, just 5 choices. Those will be all and those will stand and I'll change them as I see fit. And the rest, the rest I'll leave up to faith and fate - both of which it's time I stopped worrying about.
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