Today is 15 April, which means that I have now been living in France for 3 months precisely. I say this as if it is an important figure when in fact I would not have remembered this were it not for a specific little note I added to my calendar when I first arrived.
I don't know what this means.
I still count down the days on my calendars - both on my computer and in the little notebook I carry with me at all times - but the numbers have lost all their meaning to me. It's not just a habit I fear, a senseless ritual.
I'm not sure exactly when it all stopped making sense - perhaps when I passed the midway point of my journey. I know now that the end is in sight and is exactly 2 months and 14 days away - but even that number seems abstract, impossibly removed from reality.
So what is it to be now - counting or countdown?
Some days I feel like the numbers are the only things that really give my life here any real sense of validity. And some days I wonder what will happen when these numbers run out and there's nothing left to cross out. And I wonder what lies at the end - transformation? a new beginning? a renewed sense of purpose?
There are no answers to any of these - not yet, at least.
I don't know what this means.
I still count down the days on my calendars - both on my computer and in the little notebook I carry with me at all times - but the numbers have lost all their meaning to me. It's not just a habit I fear, a senseless ritual.
I'm not sure exactly when it all stopped making sense - perhaps when I passed the midway point of my journey. I know now that the end is in sight and is exactly 2 months and 14 days away - but even that number seems abstract, impossibly removed from reality.
So what is it to be now - counting or countdown?
Some days I feel like the numbers are the only things that really give my life here any real sense of validity. And some days I wonder what will happen when these numbers run out and there's nothing left to cross out. And I wonder what lies at the end - transformation? a new beginning? a renewed sense of purpose?
There are no answers to any of these - not yet, at least.
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