I have this fear that people at home have already begun to forget my name and my face. I have this fear that when I come back that no one will be able to recognize me. I have this fear that I will end up uprooting myself, tearing myself from all those people I have known but grown distant from. I have this fear that I will have no name, that I won't remember the way back. And I have this fear that none of this is new to me.
Even now the voices and the faces of the people in Richmond are beginning to fade from my memory. What remains is the knowledge of how easily I could tear myself away from all this and pretend like it never existed. Sure, it would be painful at first but eventually that pain would pass and I would be able to...what exactly?
I don't have an answer.
A friend told me tonight that he noticed this eagerness to tear myself away, too. He told me that it seems to him whenever I feel that I've grown too close to people or have opened myself up too much, I feel the need to uproot myself, go somewhere else, and start the cycle again.
He's right. This is my cycle and unfortunately it's a strong one. And on nights like this when all I can think about are the things I fear, I also have this fear that I will be forever stuck in my pattern of uprooting, moving, and starting over...
Even now the voices and the faces of the people in Richmond are beginning to fade from my memory. What remains is the knowledge of how easily I could tear myself away from all this and pretend like it never existed. Sure, it would be painful at first but eventually that pain would pass and I would be able to...what exactly?
I don't have an answer.
A friend told me tonight that he noticed this eagerness to tear myself away, too. He told me that it seems to him whenever I feel that I've grown too close to people or have opened myself up too much, I feel the need to uproot myself, go somewhere else, and start the cycle again.
He's right. This is my cycle and unfortunately it's a strong one. And on nights like this when all I can think about are the things I fear, I also have this fear that I will be forever stuck in my pattern of uprooting, moving, and starting over...
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