I've lost track of the number of times I've told myself that I need to start over again.
It's such a beautiful image: the shedding of everything I hate about myself and fulfillment of self-creation. A beautiful image, an ugly process.
I thought that in coming here I would finally be able to recreate myself, to start over in a place where no one knows me and I know no attachment. Yet I have fallen back into my old patterns of silence and hesitancy. And even still, I wake up each morning hoping that some great change has wrought itself in me during the night.
And every morning I wake up the same.
Some days I think that change is impossible, that it is my destiny to be the same person and that my patterns are written in my bones. And there are days when I feel like I don't even know the face in the mirror.
So which is it - change or stasis?
Last night I dreamed that I wanted to go swimming in a river and as soon as I stepped into it, I melted. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't make myself transform back into something solid. In my dreams I was completed changed.
And dreams do not lie.
It's such a beautiful image: the shedding of everything I hate about myself and fulfillment of self-creation. A beautiful image, an ugly process.
I thought that in coming here I would finally be able to recreate myself, to start over in a place where no one knows me and I know no attachment. Yet I have fallen back into my old patterns of silence and hesitancy. And even still, I wake up each morning hoping that some great change has wrought itself in me during the night.
And every morning I wake up the same.
Some days I think that change is impossible, that it is my destiny to be the same person and that my patterns are written in my bones. And there are days when I feel like I don't even know the face in the mirror.
So which is it - change or stasis?
Last night I dreamed that I wanted to go swimming in a river and as soon as I stepped into it, I melted. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't make myself transform back into something solid. In my dreams I was completed changed.
And dreams do not lie.
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