Since the prof of my economy and society atelier was forced to cancel our last class on 26 April due to a conference she will be attending in Germany she has seen fit to require us all to meet for 2 1-hour sessions on Tuesday afternoons. Today was the first of these.
At the end of the session I was struck by the strongest sense of déjà vu as I looked at a girl's tan leather pencil case with a very tangled pair of iPod earbuds laying atop it, which triggered the strangest sense of having already seen the unfamiliar classroom and having already heard the prof's words about the current problems in Russia.
This isn't the first time I've felt like this here, but today was by far the strongest. Sometimes a little part of me wonders what this means for my life. Foolish, perhaps. But still there is the lingering question about whether or not I'm unknowingly living a second chance, a do-over.
I'm familiar with the bootstrap myth, the false idea that we can all pull ourselves up to richness and greatness by the sheer strength of our will paired with a good work ethic. Statistics disavow this. It's been proven that the children rarely excel past the socioeconomic level of their parents. I wonder if I am destined for the life of my parents sometimes. I am scared this will be my future and at the same time I'm scared for anything else that is not this life.
I used to have such a strong vision of my life but now I can't see where any of the roads now at my feet will lead. I tell myself pragmatism, pragmatism. But what does that even mean? I guess it means that I should find a job and live one of those lives of quiet desperation. Every time I feel that sense of déjà vu I also feel the passing fear that this is the life I will choose, that this is the life I will be given a second chance to escape.
The moment passes and I remember to breathe. Just as it did today when I pushed the memory of pencil bag and earbuds away in favor of the more pressing issue of counting down the last few minutes of class in my head.
At the end of the session I was struck by the strongest sense of déjà vu as I looked at a girl's tan leather pencil case with a very tangled pair of iPod earbuds laying atop it, which triggered the strangest sense of having already seen the unfamiliar classroom and having already heard the prof's words about the current problems in Russia.
This isn't the first time I've felt like this here, but today was by far the strongest. Sometimes a little part of me wonders what this means for my life. Foolish, perhaps. But still there is the lingering question about whether or not I'm unknowingly living a second chance, a do-over.
I'm familiar with the bootstrap myth, the false idea that we can all pull ourselves up to richness and greatness by the sheer strength of our will paired with a good work ethic. Statistics disavow this. It's been proven that the children rarely excel past the socioeconomic level of their parents. I wonder if I am destined for the life of my parents sometimes. I am scared this will be my future and at the same time I'm scared for anything else that is not this life.
I used to have such a strong vision of my life but now I can't see where any of the roads now at my feet will lead. I tell myself pragmatism, pragmatism. But what does that even mean? I guess it means that I should find a job and live one of those lives of quiet desperation. Every time I feel that sense of déjà vu I also feel the passing fear that this is the life I will choose, that this is the life I will be given a second chance to escape.
The moment passes and I remember to breathe. Just as it did today when I pushed the memory of pencil bag and earbuds away in favor of the more pressing issue of counting down the last few minutes of class in my head.
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